Wrennyn is nearly 8 months old and my heart is just heavy when I think of where the time has gone. I feel like it has been so hard for me to adjust to being a mom of 3 kids. I feel as if I have tried so hard to soak up every moment with Wrennyn that I found myself overwhelmed by other tasks that needed to be done. I actually feel like I am just now starting to pull myself together and figure it all out. I miss the moments where I get to lay with Rowan and tell him silly stories that I make up... or to rub Brinley's back until he is fast asleep. I miss those quiet moments with my older boys where it is just me and them. I miss being everything to each of my boys. With Rowan nearing 7 years old I can see that he is pulling away from needing me so much. I worry that I didn't take advantage of the past few months because I was busy with a new baby. I wonder if we will ever have a chance to make up for that lost time.
It has been a challenge to find who I am. I have always had great pride in just being a mom, but if you aren't doing a very good job at it, it is hard to feel proud of anything. I think part of my problem was that I was scared to admit I couldn't do it all. I wish I knew how to do it all, but I am just no good at it. I have always leaned heavily on Andy and his strengths(which he has an obnoxiously, large amount of!). It has been hard for me to admit that I don't know how to find the balance - or that I don't even know what the balance is really when there are 3 kids who need me, yet I need moments alone, too. I just didn't want to fail and yet I was. I was failing at being a strong example of love and patience. Now that Wrennyn is becoming less needy I have realized how much I was pulling away. It is so sad to think of how much I have missed out on. And maybe if I had put my pride aside and admitted that I was scared and I was frustrated that maybe I could get some of those moments back, but we can't - but it is ok, because now I know to treasure each moment and each stage with every single person in my life. I learned so much in this short time, and I am so thankful for Andy's patience and support. It is hard for us moms to admit when we can't do everything, but the longer you wait to ask for help the more you get worn. Honestly it is so hard to admit that I haven't yet figured out how to balance this mom of 3 thing. But all I can tell you is to keep telling your kids that you love them and believe in them, because saying those words every day to my boys is what helped me realize that I want to be strong enough to help them chase their dreams, and I don't want to miss out on a single moment of it!
I just want to encourage you, that if you are lost and overwhelmed - or struggling to find who you are as a mom - don't be scared to talk to your husband about it. He is on your side, he doesn't want you to fail. You are a team and he wants to win in life with you. So lean on him when you need to. Pride is the only thing that is stopping you from finding your way out of it
You are going to make it!
Love to you all xx