Wednesday, April 23, 2014
easter and other thoughts.
So I have been thinking a lot about this blog space and what it is to me, and how far I have veered from where I intended it to be. I have been posting more about style as it seemed like a safe choice, because I was started to feel vulnerable to harsh comments on parenting styles and life choices in general. It turns out my heart is much deeper than caring about clothes and style - as much as I love to share those things, I really miss sharing the real aspects of our life. Not so much that I feel we have a lot to share, but because I, from the start, intended this as a place where I could document my life raising my boys. Our journey. Turns out the world and especially the internet is full of people who love to tear people down and exploit flaws. The good news is that those people don't affect my life directly. I have slowly turned away from sharing my heart, and our world, and I really want to get that part of my blog back.
The thing about being vulnerable is it means that you are learning and growing from your experience and your mistakes. Life is one big learning curve and finding your way never gets easier. I am always aware of my personal flaws and working on them is a grueling and painful process, but I really am working hard on myself. I am working on being a better me, in hopes that I can be better for my kids and for Andy.
I have really lost myself this past year. I always felt I had a really strong grasp on who I am, but having 3 kids has really tinkered with my feeling like superwoman. I felt like I was constantly failing someone. I felt like I could never catch up on the tasks in front of me. It turns out that it was my joy that has suffered the most. I miss being that happy mom who it enthusiastic and genuine about things. I miss being that mom who dances when she hears a song she loves. I miss being that mom who reads endless amounts of books to her kids because she doesn't care about the laundry piled up beside her. I miss feel authentic in my reactions to my kids situations and when my friends need me. I just miss having time to do it all. I shared about the end of nursing Wrennyn and how I needed to be done so I could get back to being me. Well, It has been a little over 2 months and I can finally say that I am working on things. I turn 30 in 2 days and my biggest goal is to get healthy in both my body and my mind. I won't be shaken and I won't be defeated. This is my journey. I am ready to take the lead. I am thankful to all of you who have supported me this past year, but I am most grateful to my real life friends who are always behind the scenes and cheering me on!